Glowing Goddess

You  may or may not have heard the latest controversy circulating the the blog circuit this week, but your about to!  27 year old Angie Jackson has been live-Tweeting her experience with the abortion pill RU-486 and it's sparking quite a discussion.

"Right now I feel like I have a tapeworm or some kind of horrible infection. "

I read about the story this afternoon on one of my favourite blogs, Woman Uncensored and I have to say that I was a little disappointed at the feedback I read there (and on the associated Facebook fanpage).  The overwhelming consensus was that Ms. Jackson is wrong in the way she is expressing her experience with her abortion, even amongst the pro-choice crowd.  When I Googled the story, I found much of the same.

One of the main criticisms I keep hearing is that her 'language and attitude' is inappropriate.  Can I just say that this rubs me the wrong way?  Ms. Jackson is simply sharing an experience and should be entitled, as we all are, to define her own experience as she sees it.  Is there a right way to talk about our personal experiences?

I am in the camp of 'No there is no right way to talk about our personal experiences'.  They are our experiences, we own them and should be free to express them in the language and tone we see fit.  To me, it is highly problematic to attempt to dictate how women share their experiences as it encourages them to simply NOT share them and invalidates how they feel about their experiences.

What about you?  Do you think that people talking/writing/blogging/Tweeting about personal experiences owe it to their audience to censor themselves or to present their experiences in a way that is more comfortable to the reader?

I suppose when I think about it I have always had a fairly healthy level of confidence even if it was a more superficial sense.  I had you basic "Yeah sure...I'm okay" level of appreciation for myself and for my body and never thought I was any less or more than average.  In a way it was good because I was happy with myself but the problem was that I never strived, in anything, to be more than average.  I didn't have the type of confidence that drives a person to accomplish more.


I didn't, that is, until I became a Mother.


From the first moments I found out I was expecting, something inside me began to change.  I looked at my changing body in a different way; realising that what my body was doing was a true miracle.  I gained a newfound amazement in myself and in my body and this feeling climaxed in the moments of my son's first breaths.  I looked over at him, a brand new life where there wasn't one before and it was there because of me.  All of the possibilities and potential of that life kind of flashed before my eyes and it made me feel like God.


Life as a Mother was a whole new ball game.  I was responsible for this whole other person and suddenly being average didn't seem like good enough anymore.  I navigated through the first year doing my best but always knowing that I should be striving to do better for my son and future children.  I went through tremendous personal growth during my sons first year.  I learned so much about myself and about life, and came out of that first year with valuable life lessons.  My confidence was still growing.


At the end of that first year, I learned I was expecting a second baby.  I remember thinking "Wow, I'm screwed" and the thought of 2 babies under 2 was mind blowing.  With mixed feelings, of confidence and doubt, I prepared for the arrival of a second precious life to come into this world.


Now, my first birthing experience was actually quite traumatic.  It was more like a 9 day long nightmare.  This experience left me slightly terrified but also slightly determined to take a little more control which is something I didn't have the confidence to do before.  My second birth ended up being a much more enjoyable experience for me although I let my fear take control and agreed to be induced and eventually to an epidural.  I did insist on rooming with my daughter even though the nurses suggested on several occasions that I send her to the nursery so I can get some sleep.  I also insisted on going home early the next day even though my doctor suggested I stay in the hospital one more night to make sure breastfeeding was well established.  The instincts within me were becoming a little more defined.


The real change within me when I looked down at my 1 month old nursling, all chubby and thriving and realised that it was my body and only my body who had sustained this precious life.  My body did just as it was supposed to and produced the milk to nourish my baby...no bottles, no formula just me.  At that moment, I felt a wave of realisation come over me; I was extraordinary  


The experiences of Womanhood and Motherhood are incredibly powerful and for some of us they are the defining moments of our life, as without them we wouldn't be the fierce women we are today.  I believe with all my heart, that for me this true.  The place of deep understanding and appreciation for my self that I have attained through experiencing motherhood could not have been reached any other way and i am forever grateful to my children for giving me those experiences.


One of the reasons why these thoughts are important to me right now, is because I am about to embark on yet another womanly experience--natural childbirth.  With all that I have learned, how could I walk away from this experience?  This is something that every single one of my fore Mother's experienced before me, since the beginning of time.  That's heavy!  It will connect me to them, and it will give me their same wisdom.  I know this in my heart.

On a recent trip to the library, I picked up some great material on pregnancy and birth.  I am halfway through my pregnancy now, so I figured it was time to really get serious and start immersing myself in the culture of birth.  I grabbed 3 items that I have been dying to experience.  First, Ina May Gaskin's book "Spiritual Midwifery" really got me in the right spiritual frame of mind to start embracing the type of birth I have envisioned for myself this time around.  Second, the movie "Orgasmic Birth" got me exploring the pleasurable side of the the birth I envision for myself.  And lastly, I read "Your Best Birth" by Ricki Lake and Abby Ebstein which reassured me that I was making the best choices for my birth and gave me the ammo and confidence to fight tooth and nail to keep those choices mine.

So now the question I am asking myself, is "What is my vision for the absolute best birth experience?"  I may not get that perfect birth, but knowing my best case scenario gives me something to strive for.  When I close my eyes and imagine it, I am in my living room on a warm summer evening.  There is a pool, candles and maybe some light music but otherwise it's very quiet.  I am surrounded by only a few people who are supporting me but giving me space.  My labour is internal and I work inside myself to cope with the pain on the rushes.  When it comes time to push my baby out, I am given the freedom to follow my baby and body's lead.  My baby is born into my own arms and I lift him or her onto my chest for the first loving embrace.  I am able to hold my baby until the placenta is delivered and the cord is cut, and then the whole family cuddles together as our new lives together begins.  Sounds magical, doesn't it??

That's my best case scenario.  Things may come up that make certain aspects of this plan impossible...but another part of my ideal is to have an amazing support person who knows exactly what I want and can make sure that that no matter what the circumstances are, I get the best experience possible.

Is that too much to ask?  I don't think so, yet the people I am talking to (obviously the wrong people) keep dismissing my wishes are frivolous and unrealistic.  I should just stop talking to people!  Especially the people who bring negativity and doubt into something that means a lot to me.  So far, I am lucky to have the full support of my partner and his enthusiasm for my vision is encouraging.  Hopefully, I can find another support person who will support and encourage me in the same way.  If I can find that, I know this will be my best birth.

The last few days I have been struggling in my personal life so the daily affirmation I have been concentrting on during this time is:

I have the strength of spirit and love in my heart to get through the rough patches.  I will not give up on what it important to me.

Friday's Affirmation:

I choose love, joy and freedom, open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life.

I thought I would upload my digital vision board.  I made it quite a few months back, but quickly fell out of sync with the positivity.  I am revisiting this one, for now, and collecting supplies to make a new real version of my vision board. 

This collage is my desktop background and I spend a few minutes focusing on it every morning before I open up my browser. 

A big part of making the law of attraction work, is by using daily affirmations to send out positive vibrations about your desires.  As a part of my journey, I will try to post my daily affirmation to my blog.  Feel free to share yours as well!

My daily affirmation for today:

I am sure of my ability to do what is necessary to improve my life.

The first few chapters of "The Law of Attraction" talks about the basic science behind the law...simply that we send out positive or negative vibes and receive the same vibes from the universe in return.  What we focus our thoughts and energy on, is what we inevitably attract into our lives.  Easy!

Now we get into how we send out out those vibes and the first and probably, most important way, is in our words.  Words are the main way in which we express our desires to the universe, so they'd better be good ones.  Something that is brought up (which gave me an immediate 'Ah-ha moment') is the use of words like "No" or "Don't" or "Not".  I am totally kicking these words OUT of my vocabulary.  All these words do is put focus on what we DO NOT want instead of what we DO want!  So true!  If I say "Don't blink" you immediately think about blinking, right?  What if, instead, I say "Open those eyes wide"?  It's the same principle...keep in your thoughts what you want to have or acheive.

My challenge over the next few days is to keep track of the negative statements I make often and think of ways to make them positive statements instead.  I wonder if I will see a change in what the universe gives me??

I was feeling a little lost and uninspired, so I send my desires out into the universe.  I asked for clarity and inspiration.  I believe the universe has given me this, in the form of a library card. 

The same day I let my desires be known to the universe, my SO came home with a library card.  We do visit the library often, but never borrow books as we both owe fees.  I was very excited that he came home with the card as I was hoping to read the book "Spiritual Midwifery" by Ina May Gaskin before my upcoming birth in July.  To ensure I could get the book ASAP, I signed on to the public library's website to see if I could reserve it vie the internet, however, the first thing I noticed was an ad for the digital library.  Upon clicking, I saw the audiobook "Law of Attraction" by Michael J. Losier and it was like a sign.  There was my inspiration.  A few more clicks and I had found another book called "The Passion Plan" by Richard Chang...is this my clarity?!